


Jungwoo, Yuta, and the Realisation

by selkieskin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Caring, Coming Out, Crying, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Gender Confusion, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Questioning, Realization, Supportive Friendship, Sweet, Talking, Trans Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 18:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17565419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selkieskin/pseuds/selkieskin
Summary: After performing a show for their tour, Yuta is sharing a hotel room with Jungwoo. However, Jungwoo seems to have been in the shower a long time, and Yuta starts to worry... has something happened?As they talk, Yuta comes to realise that his bandmate might not be a boy at all, but a girl.





	Jungwoo, Yuta, and the Realisation

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on the fact that Jungwoo does seem uncomfortable with being aligned with masculine things (e.g. 'not handsome, but pretty and cute', the reaction to Yuta's compliment about his abs, etc.) and so... I wrote this in one sitting. It's a bit of a rarepair, but I feel like Yuta would be the person to have the most educated reaction to this of everyone (he's already talked about being supportive of trans people on the show 'Abnormal Summit'. I love him).
> 
> I've tagged it as a pairing, but that's only implied so far. The, er, pronoun situation resolves itself later on in the fic - I hope it doesn't cause any problems for any readers until then. Happy reading!

Yuta looked up from his phone and frowned at the hotel bathroom door. It had been a long day of rehearsals and then a performance for their tour, and Yuta really needed a shower himself, but that wasn't his main concern. Jungwoo, who was sharing the room tonight, really was taking a long time, and the noises from the shower didn't sound like anybody was under the water. He'd seemed a little spaced out as they'd checked in and headed up to their rooms, barely talking at all, and he'd gone straight to the shower without asking first. What had started as a minor suspicion had grown into something bigger, more serious. Was something wrong with Jungwoo?

Yuta stirred and got up, moving tentatively towards the bathroom door, heart in his mouth. He knocked on the door.

“Jungwoo? Is everything OK in there?”

No response, but he heard a high gasp, quickly stifled, that sounded like Jungwoo was crying in there. His heart contorted with worry – he'd seen the younger boy cry quite a few times, and he seemed to be getting more and more fragile lately. Nobody knew exactly what it was, but they all worried about him.

Yuta had had previous experience with walking in on one of his bandmate's major problems, so he was perhaps more jumpy about this situation than he'd usually be. It was too similar to that time. He was almost getting flashbacks.

“Jungwoo? Answer me, please. Are you alright?”

There was a long pause, and then a very unconvincing answer.

“...Yep.” As if spoken between trying to hold back tears.

The hotel room was clearly designed for couples, with no lock on the bathroom door. Yuta put his hand on the handle. He wanted to burst in and try to help fix whatever was going on with the other boy, but the situation was awkward if he'd just been showering. He didn't want to embarrass the boy, but what if- what if he'd hurt himself? Yuta bit his lip in frustration.

“You don't... you don't sound fine. Can I come in? Are you dressed?”

Jungwoo started crying properly then, maybe no longer able to hold it, followed by a scream of frustration and a sound of hitting something, and then more sobbing. Yuta was panicking by now, grip tightening on the door handle.

“Jungwoo... whatever it is, talk to me. You don't have to go through this alone. Talk to me.”

Jungwoo didn't respond. Maybe couldn't respond.

“Jungwoo?”

More of the same. Yuta unconciously started to turn the handle, but stopped himself to blurt out:

“Jungwoo, I'm going to come in. Are you covered up?”

“...Mm,” Jungwoo managed to get out, and that sounded enough like a yes that Yuta finally burst in.

Jungwoo was on the floor, sat with his back against the sink cabinet with his knees tucked up to his chest. One of the white hotel towels was around him, tucked under his armpits and covering up from his chest to his thighs. His stage makeup was smeared from crying and wiping his face, and his hair was dry. He'd clearly not even got into the shower.

Yuta rushed to him, sinking to his knees, and grabbed his face before frantically grabbing his wrists to check them over, moving on to his legs, and Jungwoo gasped, distressed.

“Don't _touch_ me!” he got out, shrinking away from Yuta, the shock overriding the upset for now. “Wh-what-?”

“Are you hurt?” Yuta demanded, dark eyes wide.

“N-no, _what?_ I don't do that, why would you _think_ that, that's not-”

“You don't? Really?”

“Yes, that's nothing to do with... this. Why would you even think that?”

“I'm sorry,” Yuta said, sitting next to him. “I didn't mean to jump to conclusions, it's just that someone else... before... that's what was going on, and I was worried it might be for you, too. I'm sorry.”

“One of the members?” Jungwoo asked, and Yuta gave him a look.

“I won't tell anybody about what's got you upset if you don't want me to – unless I need to to keep you safe – and I'll keep on doing the same for them. Deal?”

“Yeah... yeah, of course. Sorry. I didn't mean it.”

“I know you didn't. It's alright. Hey, I'm sorry for scaring you. I didn't mean to – I was just worried about you, and I'm not any less worried now that it's not that.”

Jungwoo's face turned red, embarrassed, and he buried his face in his knees.

“It's nothing, hyung. Really,” he all but whispered out in his soft voice.

“It's not nothing. You're really upset. Can I do anything? Talk to me.”

Jungwoo was silent, unresponsive.

“Jungwoo, can I put my arm around you?” Yuta asked, mindful of what Jungwoo had said earlier.

Jungwoo fidgeted slightly, seemingly in conflict with himself, before nodding against his knees.

As Yuta shifted up next to him and started to reach round his back, Jungwoo flinched and interrupted him, head coming up.

“Only the shoulders, though.”

Now, if alarm bells were ringing in Yuta's head earlier, they certainly were now. He tried to school his face to be neutral, and gently put his arm around Jungwoo's shoulders, squeezing him to say _'I'm here.'_

“Talk to me,” Yuta prompted, gently.

Jungwoo made a noise of discomfort, going pale at the prospect. “I don't think-”

“Please,” Yuta said. “You don't have to face this alone. What's wrong?”

“I don't... I don't know,” Jungwoo forced out, before tears took him over again. Yuta pulled his opposite shoulder so that he was crying against him, sobbing into his shoulder against his jumper. He wanted to put his arms around the body of the boy and hold him properly, but he couldn't. He settled instead for bringing his other arm up to hold his head, cradling him and just letting him cry.

“That's good, let it out. It's alright. I'm here,” Yuta said, still all at sea with exactly what was upsetting him, mind racing with theories, some darker than others. He tried to quickly stamp down on that. That wasn't helpful. He needed to focus on what was needed from him in the here and now, and right now, Jungwoo needed someone to take care of him while he cried.

He held on to Jungwoo until the worst of the sobbing had passed.

“It's just...” Jungwoo gasped, at last. “It's just... a bad day.”

“Do you get... 'bad days' often?” Yuta asked.

“...Yeah, kind of?” Jungwoo said, drawing back and sitting up again, not looking at Yuta. He wiped his eyes with his hand. Yuta pulled his sleeve up over his hand and went in to help wipe Jungwoo's face, making Jungwoo let out a tiny embarrassed laugh. “I'm sorry, look at the state of me.”

Yuta decided not to address that, bringing the topic back to the matter at hand.

“How often do you get bad days? Is there a reason for it?”

Jungwoo grimaced in a way that told Yuta that yes, there was, but the answer he gave was evasive.

“Mostly no...”

“Sometimes yes? What happened today to make you like this?”

“No, it's not like that, it was a bad day anyway, then-” Jungwoo rebutted, and then put his hand over his mouth as if he'd said something he shouldn't.

“'Then'... what happened?”

Jungwoo looked at Yuta in the face, eyes desperate for understanding, searching and then looking away, clearly panicking.

“Whatever it is, Jungwoo, just tell me. I'll listen.”

“It'll sound really stupid. You won't understand it.” His voice was so soft that Yuta had to strain to hear it.

“Whether I do or don't, it's not stupid, and you can talk to me until I do understand. It's OK.” Yuta squeezed his shoulder again. “Go on.”

Jungwoo gasped, still fighting with himself, panic heightening.

“No, no, you really won't understand.”

“Jungwoo, tell me.”

“Do you... do you remember, in the changing room?”

Yuta cast his mind back, but couldn't remember anything specific. Jungwoo had been far away from him, getting changed right over in the corner as usual, and people were talking to him. Johnny and Doyoung, maybe? But he didn't remember them being too near him, or touching him. So what was wrong? He frowned, shaking his head.

“No, sorry. You'll have to give me a little more detail than that.”

“Johnny and Doyoung were talking about me when... when I had my shirt off. Yuta, look, you won't understand this, OK?”

“What did I say? Tell me before you decide that.”

“Just don't laugh, OK? And don't tell anyone. I know this is weird. This is so weird, I'm weird.”

“It's not weird, OK? I promise I won't laugh. And your secret is safe with me. I want to help, so just talk to me. It's OK, really.”

Jungwoo had started to tremble. Yuta could feel it under his arm, and against his side. He squeezed Jungwoo close, trying to give him the courage to finally say what was on his mind.

“I, erm, I...” One of Jungwoo's hands went and fisted in the towel against his leg, knuckles white. He was forcing out every part in short bursts, as if his body was fighing against the confession. “They were... just trying to be nice, but I... reacted... badly. Not to them, just, me, inside. They don't know. They didn't know. They just... they were trying to compliment me, but what they said was that I look... good with my shirt off? That nobody would expect it because of how I act, but that without my clothes I look... really manly.” That last part was forced out, and Jungwoo curled in on himself as if it caused him physical pain to admit it. “A-a-a-and then the _mirror_ here, they're _right_ , and I just-” At that, Jungwoo stopped, and put a hand over his mouth like he was going to be sick. 

“Oh, Jungwoo,” Yuta said, a realisation dawning on him at last, perception shifting as he took in more of the sight in front of him, the way the towel was wrapped, the way Jungwoo moved, and spoke... Yuta could feel the situation was delicate, and he needed to tread carefully. It took a lot for Jungwoo to tell him this much. “And that made you feel... bad?”

“Yeah, yeah, and I don't know what's wrong with me, I just felt really... sick. Bad. Wrong. I don't know...”

“Jungwoo, it's OK to feel that way. Really. I'm sorry, that must have really hurt.”

“Yes, but _why?_ ” Jungwoo cried plaintively, tears spilling down those pink cheeks again.

“Jungwoo...” Yuta's heart was in his throat, terrified about what he needed to say next. “Are you a girl?”

Jungwoo's gaze snapped to Yuta in shock, a choked noise betraying her feelings.

“How- how did you _know?_ ” she gasped, clearly floored by the question, barely able to catch her breath. “I mean- what do you mean? I think that sometimes, but how, how would you even know that? And it's... it's not possible anyway, I'm-”

“It's possible, really. Shh, it's OK. Listen.” Yuta gulped. “It's called being transgender, Jungwoo. Your body's one way, but your mind knows that you're another way. That sounds like what you're feeling, right? Are you? I mean – have you heard of it?”

“Yes, but... I'm... I look like this, I can't be-”

“Is it something that you feel inside of you, though? That you're a girl?”

She went quiet, looking down. The sound of the shower, still running, was the only noise as Yuta waited patiently for her response.

“...Sometimes,” she admitted, at last. The vulnerability of that admittance showed in her voice. Yuta gave her another shoulder squeeze in support.

“There you go,” he soothed. “Then it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside.” He paused for a moment, still trying to process the new information, but finding that it wasn't as surprising as he expected, once he thought about it. “It makes sense to me, actually. I've always had a sort of... 'girl feeling' from you, if that makes any sense?”

“You have?” Jungwoo said, flushing at the revelation. Yuta could see by her face how much she was starving for that sort of external confirmation.

“Yeah. And not just for me, I think every one of the members feels the same – not that most of them would realise that that's what it was, because there's nothing wrong with being a feminine man – I'm pretty feminine myself – and I think everyone was trying not to assume anything, or some people might not have read much about transgender people either so they might not have connected the dots? But as well as that 'girl feeling' that's coming from inside you, in your case, you've also always been... you're... well...” Yuta's face flushed, and he gave an embarrassed smile, hand coming up to scrub through his blonde hair, aware how this might sound. “You're really pretty too, Jungwoo, like a girl, both how you look and how you act. And I don't mean to sound like the kind of dishonourable guy that hits on crying girls in bathrooms, but I feel like you needed to hear that.”

Jungwoo flushed further at that, hand instinctively coming up to cover herself where her collarbones were showing above the towel. This made Yuta suddenly aware of how close he was – his arm was still round her shoulder – and how she was almost naked, and he was touching her warm skin...

He coughed, and withdrew his arm, looking away from her body. There were two dressing gowns provided by the hotel – one pink, one blue – and he wordlessly got up and unhooked the pink one from the door, silently handing it to her.

“Sorry, it's just become inappropriate, hasn't it?” he joked, turning away so that she could get up and put it on without risking her towel slipping with him watching. “Are you... we could keep talking, or... you could have your shower, or...”

“I think... I think I'll have that shower now,” she said. And suddenly, Yuta felt her crash into him from behind, her dressing-gown-clad arms wrapped round his waist. His hand went to hers, and he leaned back into her, knowing why, but feeling his heart start to race nervously with her proximity to him.

“Thank you, Yuta,” she said.

“No, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about this.” He sighed, feeling like he'd not said enough, and just needing to talk, needing her to know these things before this moment ended. “It must have been really hard for you, feeling all these emotions without anyone knowing it. I wish... I wish it was easier for you, but once you know more about what the problem is, you'll know that there are... things you can do about it. I know that with the kind of work we do, making any physical changes might be hard right now, but there'll be time for that in future if that's something you'd want. And if you ever want to just... relax, and be yourself, or wear certain types of clothes, or just have someone treating you like a normal girl for once, I can help you do that. And... there's no pressure or anything, but if other members knew... you know they'd never say things like you heard in the changing room earlier, you know that, right?” He turned round, looking at her face, then pulling her close to his chest, her folding her slightly taller frame against him. He rubbed her back in reassurance, leaning his head against hers. “We all care about you very much, Jungwoo.”

“Yuta, I, erm...” Jungwoo said, “I don't think I'm sure enough about this yet? Please don't tell anyone.”

“You know I wouldn't do that, not unless you told me to. I know this must be really confusing to figure out and I'm not going to push you into a situation you're not ready for. Just let me help you try things out, and be by your side while you figure it out. You've got all the time you need.” They stayed together like that for a while, her clinging to him, until eventually they separated, and Yuta used his thumb to wipe under her eyes, looking up at her face and smiling in reassurance. She smiled back, and it was so nice to see a genuine smile from her at last that Yuta's smile widened, which made her smile more and flush and look down, shy. Yuta's hand was still cupping her face from where he'd been wiping her tears, and he caught her face and lifted it again, trying to make her feel how fiercely he meant it.

“Don't be embarrassed,” he told her. “You're amazing Jungwoo, and you'll get through this.”

They looked at each other for a time, just letting themselves feel the ripples of the intense emotions of their talk lingering and looking at each other's faces, looking into each other's eyes and smiling, before Jungwoo broke the spell by looking at the shower – still on, but with nobody in it.

“I need to shower now,” she said, softly.

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Yuta said. “I'll see you when you get out?”

“Yeah,” said Jungwoo, and they separated, and Yuta closed the bathroom door behind him at last, sighing.

“ _I'll see you when you get out,_ ” he mumbled to himself, facepalming at the stupid comment. He'd always been a bit of a wreck around girls, but now that his bandmate was one of them? 

This was an enormous thing. He wasn't even sure if he was up to the challenge, but he was in too deep now to get out. Or even to want to get out.

He looked at the closed door of the bathroom, feeling fiercely protective of her all of a sudden. She'd face bad reactions and prejudice for being the way she was. She'd certainly face times like the one she'd faced today many, many more times. But whatever happened, she wouldn't be alone. Yuta simply wouldn't let that happen.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [One Step at a Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20273014) by [adorejunji](https://archiveofourown.org/users/adorejunji/pseuds/adorejunji)




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